Ah, who am I kidding? I can't wait to rent Richard Kelly's trainwreck of a sophomore film and throw it on the minute netflix delivers it to my door. It's sort of like keeping a picture of the hideously ugly girl the dumb football jock everybody loved and you hated in high school ended up marrying secretly in your desk, sneaking peaks at it time and again. And I have to admit I'm curious to see how Miranda Richardson and Wallace Shawn mix in with John Laroquette, half the cast of "Saturday Night Live" and "MAD TV," and Zelda Rubinstein (who's probably already claiming Spielberg directed the whole movie.) While it's now become fashionable to declare it underrated, misunderstood - an unappreciated pop literary masterpiece - a majority, for once, seem to see it as the indulgent piece of pseudo-political, self-important garbage it obviously is. Then again there are those who saw Donnie Darko exactly the same way, or at least are starting to. To hear him tell it, Kelly is the second coming of Andy Warhol, Philip K Dick, Nikola Tesla, Kurt Vonnegut, David Lynch, Raymond Chandler, Karl Marx and God - this from a guy who spent a million dollars on a student movie called Visceral Matter. Here's the man himself:
Update: I've now seen Southland Tales and it turns out I had it all wrong. The movie has Christopher Lambert riding around in an ice cream truck full of weapons, including a bazooka. And yet he never does anything with it. Lambert and the bazooka are completely wasted (I mean misused in the movie, although Lambert does look like he just stumbled out of a trailer tripping over some empty whiskey bottles.) How can a movie with the equation Lambert + rocket launcher not be awesome? But seriously it sucks. The only thing I can recommend is that now famous JT/Killers sequence, which is utterly ridiculous within the film but works really well out of context (or maybe not...it's out of context in the film too.) Anyway, allow me to save everyone 2 and a half excruciating hours with this clip, all you need to see of Richard Kelly's Southland Tales.
2. Youth Without Youth 
Coppola has said his first official film in ten years (I'm not including his alleged work on Walter Hill/Thomas Lee's Supernova) was his attempt to shoot a movie like he was in his 20's again. Yet when he was in his 20s, he made Finian's Rainbow. What he needs to do is make a movie like he was in his 30's again: where's another Conversation? Another Apocalypse Now? Magic has never really been Coppola's forte (probably why he was never able to raise money for Pinocchio), and some metaphysical drama about the fountain of youth hardly sounds the comeback for such a formerly inspiring director. Apparently this attempt at a comeback is so bad, the theft of a van of equipment during the shoot was considered a blessing in disguise. And we all know what happened last time Tim Roth was in a movie featuring Nazis made by a respectable director (though personally I like Invincible...not that Herzog is himself invincible, see #4.) The universally negative reviews - including a Newsweek profile of Coppola that ends by slamming the movie - definitely don’t help. Next year's Tetro with Javier Bardem sounds more promising, but will it be Coppola's No Country for Old Men, or his Goya's Ghosts? Based on the way this looks, probably the latter.
3. The Simpsons Movie
If you find Spider-Pig funny, you are a current "Simpsons" fan. If not, you're a seasoned former fan who still quotes actual jokes from the high water mark of the third to ninth seasons before the show became gross, insane and overall completely unfunny. I'm one of the former, yet flirted with the idea of giving the movie a shot in the romantic hope that return of respected writer John Swartzwelder might lend it some "golden years" quality. Then I saw the spots with the Spider-Pig and my resolve was absolute: I wouldn't touch this movie with a 10-foot clown pole. Over the years the show has turned into a broad, scatological satire of American society with a horrible glossy animation, useless celebrity cameos (although I admit it's genius that they got Thomas Pynchon) and a voice cast who have become either greedy or a Scientologist. Not that any of that would matter if the jokes were good, but every multi-plot is some ridiculous scenario - Homer has a crayon in his brain, Marge gets breast implants or bulks up like a bodybuilder, or the Simpsons go down to Florida and kill a famous alligator and have to become fugitives with a very special appearance by Kid Rock and what the hell Brittney Spears. Come on "Simpsons," isn't that what "Family Guy" is for? As for the movie, "Simpsons" may have been the template but "South Park" made it to the big screen first - ten years ago - and managed to create a brilliant movie, one that had new ideas, not just "Crazy Cat Lady" in her 80th appearance since the original inspired gag. People whose opinion I trust have told me to take a pill and see the movie, but after another misguided viewing of a recent episode it's just not gonna happen dude. Ok enough moaning. Maybe I'll be like Bart and finally see this movie in 30 years after I've become chief justice of the Supreme Court, but for now don't depress me by bringing it up.
4. Rescue Dawn
I want to see an epic, studio-financed Werner Herzog war drama about as much as I'd be interested in an obsessive documentary about auctioneers by Tony Scott. Herzog is one filmmaker who doesn't need a ticket to the states, so it's hard to say why he felt the need to go the same route as George Sluizer, Ole Bornedal and Takashi Shimizu by taking one of his great films, changing it into a straight narrative, and replacing the actual guy with a Hollywood hot shot. The director has praised Christian Bale through the roof, but has there ever been a performer whose "emotional journey" feels less genuine when stacked against the tortured mental state of Bruno S or the spitfire fury of Klaus Kinski? Herzog has clearly integrated himself into the LA scene, collaborating with Zack Penn and saving Joaquin Phoenix's life (why??) But tooling around Sun Valley could not be further grounded from the physical and spiritual heights of the South American hills. Not to mention that he's made a war/escape movie, recent examples of which (Hart's War, The Great Raid) have fallen short. As long as he's still churning out personal "erratic truths" at the prolific rate he's currently managing I won't really mind the occasional conservative retooling (up next: Vin Diesel braving the treacherous apex of Gasherbrum I and II as Reinhold Messner - will he make it??) Just don't ask me to sit through them. When faced with the decision to see Rescue Dawn (or The Simpsons Movie) I ended up choosing Transformers. If that's not a picture of stubborn abstinence I don't know what is.
5. In the Valley of Elah
Tommy Lee Jones was so good in No Country for Old Men I almost wavered and saw Paul Haggis' follow-up to Crash 2005. Then I remembered - it's PAUL HAGGIS' FOLLOW-UP TO CRASH 2005. Not only that, but it's Paul Haggis' foray into the heavy-handed world of "relevant" dramas addressing Middle Eastern politics, a bleak world that's failed to drum up much business at the box office or general interest beyond mild curiosity. And while Rendition and Lions for Lambs (Jesus was that really the title of that movie?) are easily dismissible, effort should definitely be mustered to miss one from the creator of "Walker Texas Ranger," especially if De Palma couldn't pull it off. If the best that can be expected is a reworking of Uncommon Valor and Hardcore (that's right Schrader I'll still stand by your classics even after The Walker) with reflective dialogue slung back and forth between Jones and Charlize Theron, I'll gladly pass.
6. Across the Universe
The curse of Moulin Rouge continues. Just as Zach Helm thought audiences might be asking "When's the new Toys due?" Julie Taymor was apparently under the impression that people were dying to see an update of the Bee Gees' Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Except not with Peter Frampton and the Bee Gees but with Gap ad actors, playing characters named Jude, Lucy, Eleanor Rigby, Birthday, Piggy, Twist, Shout and the oddly-named Ivana Holdgerand. In a way this idea is clearly more offensive than John Turturro's Romance and Cigarettes, a blue collar Rouge dud from my 2005 "worst" list I almost included again since it inexplicably got a theatrical release this year. At least that movie had a sense of humor about itself and wasn't trying to force its old musical numbers on issues like war man, and what a bummer it is. Universe seems fueled by hippie juice, which I guess is perfectly marketable to folks who are into seeing The Lion King while stoned on Broadway and then writing a glowing review of it by the light of their lava lamp. And you've got to give Taymor credit for somehow out-gaying Cirque de Soleil when it came to using Beatles songs.
Coppola has said his first official film in ten years (I'm not including his alleged work on Walter Hill/Thomas Lee's Supernova) was his attempt to shoot a movie like he was in his 20's again. Yet when he was in his 20s, he made Finian's Rainbow. What he needs to do is make a movie like he was in his 30's again: where's another Conversation? Another Apocalypse Now? Magic has never really been Coppola's forte (probably why he was never able to raise money for Pinocchio), and some metaphysical drama about the fountain of youth hardly sounds the comeback for such a formerly inspiring director. Apparently this attempt at a comeback is so bad, the theft of a van of equipment during the shoot was considered a blessing in disguise. And we all know what happened last time Tim Roth was in a movie featuring Nazis made by a respectable director (though personally I like Invincible...not that Herzog is himself invincible, see #4.) The universally negative reviews - including a Newsweek profile of Coppola that ends by slamming the movie - definitely don’t help. Next year's Tetro with Javier Bardem sounds more promising, but will it be Coppola's No Country for Old Men, or his Goya's Ghosts? Based on the way this looks, probably the latter.
3. The Simpsons Movie
If you find Spider-Pig funny, you are a current "Simpsons" fan. If not, you're a seasoned former fan who still quotes actual jokes from the high water mark of the third to ninth seasons before the show became gross, insane and overall completely unfunny. I'm one of the former, yet flirted with the idea of giving the movie a shot in the romantic hope that return of respected writer John Swartzwelder might lend it some "golden years" quality. Then I saw the spots with the Spider-Pig and my resolve was absolute: I wouldn't touch this movie with a 10-foot clown pole. Over the years the show has turned into a broad, scatological satire of American society with a horrible glossy animation, useless celebrity cameos (although I admit it's genius that they got Thomas Pynchon) and a voice cast who have become either greedy or a Scientologist. Not that any of that would matter if the jokes were good, but every multi-plot is some ridiculous scenario - Homer has a crayon in his brain, Marge gets breast implants or bulks up like a bodybuilder, or the Simpsons go down to Florida and kill a famous alligator and have to become fugitives with a very special appearance by Kid Rock and what the hell Brittney Spears. Come on "Simpsons," isn't that what "Family Guy" is for? As for the movie, "Simpsons" may have been the template but "South Park" made it to the big screen first - ten years ago - and managed to create a brilliant movie, one that had new ideas, not just "Crazy Cat Lady" in her 80th appearance since the original inspired gag. People whose opinion I trust have told me to take a pill and see the movie, but after another misguided viewing of a recent episode it's just not gonna happen dude. Ok enough moaning. Maybe I'll be like Bart and finally see this movie in 30 years after I've become chief justice of the Supreme Court, but for now don't depress me by bringing it up.4. Rescue Dawn
I want to see an epic, studio-financed Werner Herzog war drama about as much as I'd be interested in an obsessive documentary about auctioneers by Tony Scott. Herzog is one filmmaker who doesn't need a ticket to the states, so it's hard to say why he felt the need to go the same route as George Sluizer, Ole Bornedal and Takashi Shimizu by taking one of his great films, changing it into a straight narrative, and replacing the actual guy with a Hollywood hot shot. The director has praised Christian Bale through the roof, but has there ever been a performer whose "emotional journey" feels less genuine when stacked against the tortured mental state of Bruno S or the spitfire fury of Klaus Kinski? Herzog has clearly integrated himself into the LA scene, collaborating with Zack Penn and saving Joaquin Phoenix's life (why??) But tooling around Sun Valley could not be further grounded from the physical and spiritual heights of the South American hills. Not to mention that he's made a war/escape movie, recent examples of which (Hart's War, The Great Raid) have fallen short. As long as he's still churning out personal "erratic truths" at the prolific rate he's currently managing I won't really mind the occasional conservative retooling (up next: Vin Diesel braving the treacherous apex of Gasherbrum I and II as Reinhold Messner - will he make it??) Just don't ask me to sit through them. When faced with the decision to see Rescue Dawn (or The Simpsons Movie) I ended up choosing Transformers. If that's not a picture of stubborn abstinence I don't know what is.
5. In the Valley of Elah
Tommy Lee Jones was so good in No Country for Old Men I almost wavered and saw Paul Haggis' follow-up to Crash 2005. Then I remembered - it's PAUL HAGGIS' FOLLOW-UP TO CRASH 2005. Not only that, but it's Paul Haggis' foray into the heavy-handed world of "relevant" dramas addressing Middle Eastern politics, a bleak world that's failed to drum up much business at the box office or general interest beyond mild curiosity. And while Rendition and Lions for Lambs (Jesus was that really the title of that movie?) are easily dismissible, effort should definitely be mustered to miss one from the creator of "Walker Texas Ranger," especially if De Palma couldn't pull it off. If the best that can be expected is a reworking of Uncommon Valor and Hardcore (that's right Schrader I'll still stand by your classics even after The Walker) with reflective dialogue slung back and forth between Jones and Charlize Theron, I'll gladly pass.6. Across the Universe
The curse of Moulin Rouge continues. Just as Zach Helm thought audiences might be asking "When's the new Toys due?" Julie Taymor was apparently under the impression that people were dying to see an update of the Bee Gees' Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Except not with Peter Frampton and the Bee Gees but with Gap ad actors, playing characters named Jude, Lucy, Eleanor Rigby, Birthday, Piggy, Twist, Shout and the oddly-named Ivana Holdgerand. In a way this idea is clearly more offensive than John Turturro's Romance and Cigarettes, a blue collar Rouge dud from my 2005 "worst" list I almost included again since it inexplicably got a theatrical release this year. At least that movie had a sense of humor about itself and wasn't trying to force its old musical numbers on issues like war man, and what a bummer it is. Universe seems fueled by hippie juice, which I guess is perfectly marketable to folks who are into seeing The Lion King while stoned on Broadway and then writing a glowing review of it by the light of their lava lamp. And you've got to give Taymor credit for somehow out-gaying Cirque de Soleil when it came to using Beatles songs.
7. Lust/Caution
I'm not sure how this movie is related to Crazy/Beautiful (or Face/Off or Nip/Tuck), but I do know that Ang Lee's genre-hopping has never scored him a winner in my book: I think The Ice Storm is overrated, Crouching Tiger is gay, and Brokeback Mountain was not as gay and should have been. But while I can easily ignore it if Lee wants to try his hand at American Civil War melodramas or metaphysical comic book action movies, I do have a problem with him moving in on Wong Kar-Wai's territory. Although I don't know how close Lust Slash Caution actually is to one of his romantic period pieces, the marketing campaign makes me think it's a Wong film every time (and not just because it stars Tony Leung, but that doesn't help.) Ang, when are you going to find your own voice? Aren't you tired of being the substitute teacher of world cinema? "We can't get Yuen Woo-Ping to direct this kung fu epic." "Hm - call Ang Lee." "Seems neither Merchant nor Ivory are interested in this particular Jane Austen adaptation." "Hm...who directed that cannibal movie about eating men and women, drinking their blood?" "Must be this guy Ang Lee, I'll see if he's home." "I need someone to helm this gay cowboy movie. Maybe the director of The Wedding Singer, that was pretty gay. What was his name?" "Ang Lee." "I think that was technically called The Wedding Banquet but what the hell close enough, nobody cares about gay cowboys anyway." His next film? A romantic comedy! Oh well at least if it's bad they can always have Louis Leterrier remake it.
8. Syndromes and a Century
8. Syndromes and a Century
I know, everyone says I gotta see it. But if those are the same people who loved Blissfully Yours and Tropical Malady, I've gotta fess up to not being entranced by either of those two movies. Apichatpong Weerasethakulexpeealadoshus is undeniably talented but frankly I don't get it. I thought my cultural appreciation of achingly-paced, beautifully shot Asian cinema had reached its required viewing limit with Tsai Ming-liang, but here's some more homework you bastards expect me to do. And to be honest I'm on the fence with Tsai: I was iffy on his I Don't Want to Sleep Alone, like Syndromes made for Peter Sellars' New Crowned Hope Festival in Vienna to commemorate Mozart's 250th birthday (no idea why the guy from Pink Panther would be interested in Mozart.) All these abstract concepts and weird locations, but I don't feel much connection to anything AW shoots no matter how far out he's willing to go. And anyway how weird and abstract could it possibly be if the guy from Newsweek is gushing over it? Also this has been described as a "science fiction comedy," which instantly brings to mind Southland Tales (not that it could possibly be that bad.) I will eventually break down and see Syndromes because ultimately I do want to stay open to all these crazy Thai films, but probably only after it languishes at #341 on my netflix queue for several months.
9. Lady Chatterley
I like my Lady Chatterley at 305 am on Cinemax 2* sandwiched between two Emmanuelle movies with a subtitle that includes the word "lover" or "passion of" or "the erotic adventures of" starring some 70s softcore diva like Sylvia Kristel or Harlee McBride. Undoubtedly that's what DH Lawrence had in mind, not this kind of hoity toity arty farty adaptation. I realize that's how many people would like to see Lawrence represented on screen, but how can you take a concept like "the gallant groundskeeper and the naughty noblewoman," the "sensual and erotic journey of sexual awakening" seriously? And the ones on cable were never three hours long (unless you watched 5 or 6 of them back-to-back.) To be fair, the most famous previous version was marketed using the same classy, highly-distinguished gloss, but the director of that movie was named Just Jackin. So I think we all know what he was up to. The point is, you should probably just leave Lawrence alone unless you're Ken Russell, and considering where his career is now he might not want to dabble in it either.
* I believe it's called MoreMax now, but I haven't watched it since the early-to-mid 90s
9. Lady Chatterley
I like my Lady Chatterley at 305 am on Cinemax 2* sandwiched between two Emmanuelle movies with a subtitle that includes the word "lover" or "passion of" or "the erotic adventures of" starring some 70s softcore diva like Sylvia Kristel or Harlee McBride. Undoubtedly that's what DH Lawrence had in mind, not this kind of hoity toity arty farty adaptation. I realize that's how many people would like to see Lawrence represented on screen, but how can you take a concept like "the gallant groundskeeper and the naughty noblewoman," the "sensual and erotic journey of sexual awakening" seriously? And the ones on cable were never three hours long (unless you watched 5 or 6 of them back-to-back.) To be fair, the most famous previous version was marketed using the same classy, highly-distinguished gloss, but the director of that movie was named Just Jackin. So I think we all know what he was up to. The point is, you should probably just leave Lawrence alone unless you're Ken Russell, and considering where his career is now he might not want to dabble in it either.
* I believe it's called MoreMax now, but I haven't watched it since the early-to-mid 90s
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10. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End 
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr, mateys! Arrrrrrrrr! Sigh.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr, mateys! Arrrrrrrrr! Sigh.
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