Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Best movies I saw in 2007

1. Gone Baby Gone
"When I was young, I asked my priest how you could get to heaven and still protect yourself from all the evil in the world. He told me what God said to His children: You are sheep among wolves. Be wise as serpents, yet innocent as doves."


How did this happen? How did spoiled actor/former tabloid king Ben Who-fleck manage to not only handle his directorial debut with admirable subtlety and grace but to deliver as involving and unpretentious an entertainment as Gone Baby Gone, the best crime film since Carl Franklin's One False Move and grittiest procedural since Jake Gittes walked away from Chinatown? To surmise that he got over himself (and stopped fucking Jimmy Kimmel) long enough to give room to the story and its characters feels like short-change: there's a deft hand at work throughout the film that gives weight to Dennis Lehane's tale of abduction and absolution on the grimy streets of Dorchester. Sure it features all the usual plot convolutions of the detective story, but inherent contrivances take back seat to character study as every lead tries to front and feint and find where they stand. The world Patrick Kenzie's trying to fit into, one of sordid dealings and ambiguous morals, is by far the most realized of any film in a long time: the people and locations reek with a collective veracity the silly plastic surfaces of Mystic River and The Departed wish they could have pulled off. Speaking of the people, Baby's got great acting too. Amy Ryan's performance has been justifiably touted as star-making, but the entire cast (save Michelle Monahan, the film's weak link) is stellar. After years of goofy turns that risk turning them into permanent jokes, Ed Harris and Morgan Freeman are here given roles that remind us how good they can be when the material works, and John Ashton makes a welcome return. And at the center is Casey Affleck, who I predict will never be as good as he was in his two big films this year (just as I can't imagine lightning striking twice for brother Ben in the director's chair.) His Kenzie is the most vulnerable PI ever put on screen, a guy whose idealism is given a naked trial by fire as he gets closer to the truth, that defending the defenseless isn't as clear cut as it should be and nothing is what it seems. And honestly, in a world where Ben Affleck directs the best movie of the year, what is?

2. Silent Light
"A brave man makes his destiny with what he's got."

It may seem somewhat vulgar to follow up a movie as modest as Gone Baby Gone with what is probably the most unapologetically indulgent art film of 2007. But what a rich, hypnotic, slow-moving roller coaster it is! With Silent Light, Carlos Reygadas shows he's just as interested in applying his austere approach to simple anthropological melodrama as he is to the edgy, baiting material that's netted him the reputation as Mexican enfant terrible. With an opening shot that would make Terrence Malick weep and break apart his dolly tracks, Reygadas introduces the audience to an order of Mennonites living in Chihuahua and the cinematic world to the beautiful language of Plautdietsch, a Dutch/German dialect that seems to linger in the room even as a sentence is abruptly ended. Borrowing the style (albeit a bit glamoured up) and story from Ordet, Reygadas finds transcendent in the mundane, but there's something else going on. Rather than asserting the ascetic purity of a simple life, the characters suffer the dichotomy of human nature vs spiritual destiny: whether the beauty of the world around them strengthens the will or merely exists as a cold stasis of confinement. If god demanded a pure and penitent life, surely he wouldn't imbue temptation into the fabric of the natural world! The film recalls Tarkovsky and Olmi as much as Dreyer, but Light's use of sight and sound feels like an advancement of what's come before and plays out in a form that's uniquely Reygadas, who reveals that even in paradise people can create their own torment but they can also reach beyond the confines of society and, ultimately, the laws of corporeal captivity. Personally I can't wait to see it on the big screen (I've only watched a screener) two or three times.

3. Before the Devil Knows You're Dead
"The world is an evil place. Some make money off it, some are destroyed by it."

I hate using the word "Shakespearan" in reference to anything, but that might be the only term, literary or cinematic, epic enough to describe Sidney Lumet's nasty little melodrama. Back in New York where he belongs, the 83-year-old vet blows the new kids out of the tank with a risky, invigorating construction only a master filmmaker could pull off, knocking out the twist early, playing around with viewer expectation, lingering comfortably in long takes shot on DV and, in his boldest stroke, overlapping time and replaying scenes through different perspectives. This excellent use of fractured timeline is never showy or indulgent: every repetition of a scene reveals something, whether it's as small as a character reaction or as big as a major plot turn. But Lumet doesn't let it get gimmicky. Kelly Masterson's script is sustainable enough that the director can probe and reconfigure while expertly maintaining the tense momentum of the story. The film's a masterpiece of editing work, but also a stunning achievement in structure and framing: Phillip Seymour Hoffman's self-loathing Andy is always looming over Ethan Hawke's weak Hank, who in turn is relegated to being cornered or pushed back into most of the shots in which he appears. To top it off, Lumet reminds us what a great actor's director he is, eliciting great performances from everyone. Hoffman, Hawke, Albert Finney, Marisa Tomei and small players like Amy Ryan and Michael Shannon (who are pretty much my homecoming queen and king of performers this year) and Aleksa Palladino, all top-notch as a collective of repulsed and repulsive desperate liars and cheaters whose every action proves more condemning than the last. Though not without its convolutions (the infidelity subplot seems a little much), the film turns the standard heist thriller/family tragedy on its head and, if I remember correctly, ass-rapes it a few times. More than a return to form, Devil stands up next to 12 Angry Men, The Pawnbroker, The Hill, Dog Day Afternoon and Network and even manages to show them up more than once. In short a return to fierce filmmaking: angry, living cinema.

4. Stuck
"Why are you doing this to me?"

Stuart Gordon seems to finally be getting some long-deserved use out of the little pieces of respect he's accumulated over the years and last year was a geyser of Gordon masterpieces for me. I finally saw the hugely underrated King of the Ants, his two great "Master of Horror" episodes (from a series I don't largely consider great) and this, which of all my favorite movies of 2007 I'm most jealous. Based on the story of the Ft Worth woman who hit a homeless man with her car and left him impaled through the windshield in her garage until he died, Stuck is one of the sharpest black comedies in recent memory. Gordon taps into a vengeful rage at callous insensitivity, and his main target in the film is nothing less than the incongruity of human indolence (Paul Haggis, take note you hack!) Mena Suvari, also credited as an executive producer, gives her best performance by far as the frantic driver and Stephen Rea's hangdog face is perfect for the beaten-down victim struggling to survive, whether it's bolting from his angry landlord with as many clothes as he can carry or dislodging a windshield wiper from his abdomen. The movie has as many hilarious visual gags as it does exhilarating suspense pieces, but what it’s loaded with is boldly excessive, darkly madcap mayhem that is riveting to experience (the TIFF audience ate it up, best audience response I've seen in a while.) It could have easily been called Struck - or Crash - but that wouldn't fit the level of giddy absurdity Gordon reaches. Scott Tobias said "too bad there's no place for a movie like Stuck in American theaters these days," and I can't help agreeing. Do they even deserve it?

5. Bug
"Why are you doing this?!"

Chock it up to bad marketing on the studio's part: this year Billy Friedkin made a great film for the first time in twenty years and nobody even noticed. Adapted by Tracy Letts from his play, Bug is a love story for the delusional parasitosis patient in all of us. And before you think "Oh no not another drama about a schizophrenic ex-soldier with delusions of insect infestation," take into account the homerun performance by Michael Shannon, who sells a terror of invisible critters and the seductive folie à deux he works upon Ashley Judd with above board intensity. Friedkin has sneered at the film being sold as a horror movie, but the label isn't far off: he's certainly tapping into Cronenberg territory (Shannon's freakout in the bathroom mirror is Brundlefly-esque) and the confinement horror of Polanski's apartment trilogy. The latter is especially evoked by the off-white walls turned black-lit quarantine of the hotel room where the characters redirect the source of their hopelessness to a more tangible, government-funded mindfuck that turns them into the satisfied (and, suddenly, important) victims of an unbearable humanity. What could be scarier than relegating oneself to that? Tainted by the condition of the country they live in, its global politics and commodifying of citizens, Shannon and Judd need to get "bugged" if only to justify their own cruel experiences, concluding that life is such a sordid mish-mash of fear and despair we might as well combine and condense those anxieties into microscopic parasites in a manic struggle to escape anatomical destiny. Cynical it may be, but it's kind of beautiful.

6. Sad Vacation
It's good to see the spirit of Shohei Imamura lives on in the films of a new generation of Japanese auteurs like Shinji Aoyama. In his modern Greek tragedy, Aoyama works with a loose structure that's also deceptively intricate and complicated. In his deceptively airtight concept-premise, a former crook (the great Tadanobu Asano) quits his dead-end job transporting immigrants for slave labor to form a surrogate family of his own and thus build an artificial comfort zone within which he can remain, happy and anonymous. But fate deals him an unexpected hand when he discovers another surrogate family: a taxi company run by his estranged mother, a woman who abandoned him as a child and may be the one to blame, and repay, for his sordid past. I'm going into detail about the plot because I'd love to get people interested in seeking this movie out, as Aoyama hasn't had the best distribution track record (thematically-linked earlier films Helpless and Eureka are almost impossible to find.) He has an excellent understanding of the suffocation caused by family ties in Japan and the amoral lengths characters are willing to go, using their tainted past as an excuse to ruin their future. In a rigidly-structured society the "ideal" family can only be destroyed by true blood relatives and individuality ultimately crumbles. Vacation features multiple characters: determining their relationship to each other is part of the fun, but I found myself emotionally involved in all of them and each little journey leading to the quitely unnerving, ambiguous ending. What Aoyama's most interested in is what we do with our life and who we choose to share it with, whether it's taking the initiative to hunt down the charming local girl who disappeared or indulging in the most uncomfortable mother-son closeness since The Grifters. Escaping destiny seems to be a heavy theme in the best movies I saw this year (and there's more of that coming up!) but this one nailed that hopeless concept on the head.

7. Eastern Promises
"Sometimes if doors are closed you just open them up."

"Promises PROMISES super-thrills and boney-chills!" - John Cribbs

While not exactly the one-eighty return to form from the horribly disappointing History of Violence, Cronenberg's latest still feels like a stronger sister film, one that improves on similar ideas and is far more successful in execution. For one thing, the violence is more vivid, soaked into the celluloid - visceral (a word associated with the director's best work.) Appropriate to a narrative driven by the diary of a dead girl, Promises exudes an elusive terror through the quiet threat of the vory v zakone, clandestine boogeymen in sweatervests who'll snatch unsuspecting girls out of the east into a life of prostitution and death. And from the initial killing in the most unlikeliest of places (a barber shop - top that, Sweeney Todd) everything is dug up from beneath the surface: London subcultures, secret societies, casual prejudices, hidden identities and nothing, no matter how many frozen fingers you cut off, stays buried. The ritual of initiation and weight of obligation is upon every character from Naomi Watt's reluctant sleuth of a midwife to Vincent Cassel, guilty simultaneously of sibling rivalry and unacceptable homosexual desire for Viggo's butcher. Cronenberg's technical team - Suschitzky, Howard Shore, even Denise (great costumes, Denise) - are at the top of their game and the man himself is back in friendly waters. Mortensen's grisly tats recall the "prophetic roadmap" markings of Elias Koteas' crash fetish Vaughan, and that's not the only hark back to the director's best work: Promises is every bit the baroque chamberpiece as Dead Ringers, as much the Noh tragedy as M Butterfly. But mainly it's thrilling pulp-art and a great action film, all this encapsulated in the best scene - possibly of any movie this year - the (literal) balls-out knifefight in the bathhouse. The ending's a letdown: although I like the structure of Viggo "exposed" after his naked throwdown, I'm surprised the last scene didn't have Ludacris letting all the whores out onto the street murmuring "Dopey crack-hos." Still, the worst scene is better than the best scene in History of Violence, and a step back in the right direction.

8. Persepolis
It's sort of a miracle how well Marjane Satrapi, with co-director Vincent Paronnaud, was able to rework and revitalize her excellent comic strip on the screen. Artwise it's a gorgeous mix of German Expressionism and Lotte Reiniger's Orientalist animation, part Chinese shadow theater part UPA cartoon, gorgeously layered and charmingly drawn. The art is compelling and the screenplay deserves it: what could have been ethnographic agitprop is instead simply a great coming-of-age story. Beyond the prejudices against her background and persecution Marjane suffers for her independence, she experiences the universal pangs of being a teenager and a young woman. It's hard to say whether she goes through a more difficult time under the reign of the Shah, stripped of identity and individuality during the Ayatollah's fundamentalist revolution, or during her first relationship with a boy after leaving Pakistan for the west. All of these life changes she faces with charming ضراوة* and aplomb (that's right I used the word aplomb, I'm not ashamed of it) and we're with her every step of the way. Even under the hijab she's relatable: just compare her rebellious, Bruce Lee-loving outsider to Ellen Page's Juno. I believe her love for Iron Maiden more than I bought Page's Mott the Hoople name-dropping. What's more lovable, a trendy hipster spouting nonsense colloquialisms or Marjane headbanging defiantly on her tennis racket guitar to Maiden-esque metal in her own free world? (Yeah I know it’s a little early yet but fuck Juno man.) All apologies to Brad Bird and Ratatouille, which I loved, but this is the best animated movie of the year: the political history of a country through the eyes of rebellious youth.
*"Fierceness." Internet's handy.

9. Import/Export
From the cold European no-escape subgenre of foreign releases comes Ulrich Seidl's latest, a surprisingly sensitive, often hilarious story about two characters searching for a little common decency and respect but encountering only dehumanization and indolence. Unemployed mother Olga from Austria and aimless security guard Paul from Ukraine swap places without ever meeting and without an idea what it is they hope to find. Truth and beauty? A dignified life? What they find isn't too different from life back home: humilations from absurd porno webcam companies, troll-like gypsys, callous thugs, scumbags with childlike indifference, self-righteous middle class families, murderously jealous co-workers, lecherous thieves and some stuffed animal teeth that need cleaning. Almost neorealist in its settings (it features the most claustrophobic open spaces put on film since Kieslowski), the movie's not without humor. Like his contemporary Lukas Moodysson, Seidl is able to poke fun at his characters and their banal situations while avoiding exploitation: there are numerous opportunities to get cheap laughs from hapless foreigners and the declining patients of a geriatric hospital wing but Seidl never takes advantage of his non-professional extras. As a result the acting is great. Stars Paul Hofmann and Ekateryna Rak are so good it's amazing they've never been in front of the camera before. One of two movies beautifully shot by camerman Ed Lachman, the film's not quite as groundbreaking as Seidl's 2001 Dog Days, but it's a better movie all around, a sad and funny study of labor migration and human spirit as global commodity.

10. 3:10 to Yuma and The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
"I ain't never been a hero."
"I've been a nobody all my life."

All new westerns are saddled (no pun intended) with the compulsory acclaim of "saving" the genre from celluloid oblivion, a dispensable obligation forced upon them by critics who don't seem to realize they never went away, that their influence exists in everything from modern crime movies to John Carpenter action films. Just because nobody's wearing a cowboy hat and riding a horse while shouting "yee-haw" doesn't mean it's not a western. In these two movies the characters do wear hats and ride horses, though I'm pretty sure no one shouts "yee-haw." That's post-modernism for you, although what you've got is your classic non-gay cowboys (well, arguable in the latter) in films that had seemingly unsurpassable acts to follow: the original 1957 3:10 to Yuma and Samuel Fuller's I Shot Jesse James. The new Yuma, from the director of Walk the Line and writers of Bart Freundlich's Catch That Kid, had everything going against it not unlike Christian Bale's obdurate Dan Evans. But despite a handicap akin to missing half a leg, James Mangold and company manage to do exactly what someone who feels they just HAVE to remake a near-perfect classic should: they stay true to the original idea and up the ante in exciting, suspenseful ways. Honestly, this is the John Carpenter's The Thing of westerns (didn't mean to bring up Carpenter twice, it just sort of happened.) Meanwhile, Chopper's Andrew Dominik managed to spin contemplative gold out of Ron Hansen's fictionalization of the last, less glorious days of Missouri's most-loved killer. What both films share are men engrossing in their unsavory deeds and men pitiful yet identifiable in their desperation. They're about men who got something to prove, one to his family and the other to himself, and each have to do it in the shadow of a charismatic psychopath of an outlaw. But mainly what they share is an understanding of the bleak, uncivilized world of the western, the unsavory abandon of lawlessness, and how small a man can be when he's lost in it. Evans and Bob Ford make their place in history by getting close to a legend, and learn that when the legend becomes fact, you shoot the legend (or send him off to Yuma.) Neither film hits it out of the ballpark - I could do without the ending of both of them - but they're full of brilliant scenes and beautiful photography (Roger Deakins deserves co-directing credit for his work in Assassination) and overall a clear portrait of what brings a man to his most desperate decision.

11. No Country for Old Men
"OK...I'll be part of this world."

Patient fans of the Coen Brothers have earned another great film, and we get something approximating a great film in No Country for Old Men, which on one hand seems almost effortless in its technical ingenuity and, from a writing standpoint, a whole new territory for the possibilities of adaptation. Cormac McCarthy's blood opus is not so much retold as interpreted with meticulous zeal through the eyes of twin visualists of the darkest whimsicality. A modern western (that's right critics, no horses and no hats...well that's not true but you get the idea) as well as a horrific road movie, Country could be confused with a bad dream if not for the vividness of its open fields, the thundering echo of a tent pole against the walls of a vent that's so reminiscent of the dragging shovel in Blood Simple. This is the Coens at their most serious since that masterful debut, and their progression as more vocational filmmakers has for better or worse finally met material deserving of such diligent craftsmanship (craftsMENship?) In the absence of Carter Burwell's score we have the violence, which falls from crescendo to calando through the film's running time and perforates the silence like...well, a gunshot. Once again you've got Roger Deakins, who shoots roadside motels at magic hour like no other cameraman. The interpretation and movement of McCarthy's characters into slouching, sad-faced Tommy Lee Jones and Bardem's demonic auton Anton Chigurh feels like creation rather than moving storyboards. And that ending, for all the complaints, is pretty goddamn perfect (later you'll see I'm against perfection, but for now let's just say this movie worked for me.)

Worth mentioning: The Lookout
"Whoever's got the money's got the power."

Since this is his second year on the "worth mentioning" list, I'm starting to think that Joseph Gordon-Levitt must be an actor worth mentioning (if I had liked Mysterious Skin in 2005 he'd be sweeping: to be fair, I liked HIM in that movie, and this year Gregg Araki made his best movie to date so apparently everyone's improving.) He certainly carries this little drama/heist thriller with his performance as Chris Pratt, former BMOC turned brain-damaged town idiot. How he deals with the debility and lays out his day-to-day agenda become fascinating thanks to a solid script and tight direction by Scott Frank, who already has things feeling odd and menacing before the villains show up. The movie's got problems - mostly in the form of blind, obnoxious Jeff Daniels - but is unique enough to make it impossible to discard, and at very least is a hugely promising start for Frank as a filmmaker. Lookout is the anti-Memento, relying on story rather than the twists that can easily be milked from the gimmick of its hero's weird mental illness. And Gordon-Levitt: his performance is the anti-Daniel Day-Lewis, and I'll apologize in advance to the DDL lovers out there but JGL plays it subtle, and I hope he never tries to go the showy/scene-appetite route. I'll say it again, he's become an actor worth mentioning and I almost don't want to because I feel we need to keep him to ourselves. Martin Scorsese, leave our JGL alone!

Best 2006 movie I saw in 2007: Lake of Fire
I'm usually not a fan of the shady documentary medium, but there were plenty of notable "real life" entertainments this year. Plenty of political docs as usual, but the most interesting controversies came from the alleged wunderkind of My Kid Could Paint That and the shifty politics of video game champs in The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters. Errol Morris-acolyte Jason Kohn deserves praise merely for setting foot inside Brazil's Sao Paulo to film Manda Bala, described by its director as a "nonfiction Robocop" and featuring, among other things, stories from a surgeon who grafts ears back onto kidnap victims. Philip Groning unveiled the quiet lives of Carthusian monks as literally the first ever outsider allowed inside their walls with Into Great Silence. Terror's Advocate, a nice companion piece to Barbet Schroeder's General Idi Amin Dada, opens with its subject downplaying the genocide of the Khmer Rouge and just gets more audacious from there. Moving from more sympathetic causes (the Algerian resistance) to undefendable butchers (Klaus Barbi), the film asks what kind of terrorism is justified and what kind of man would stand by it, providing one of the best lines from any movie this year: "I would even defend George Bush if he pled guilty." But the best doc of the year (technically from 2006) is Tony Kaye's sixteen-years-in-the-making abortion epic Lake of Fire, an examination of all the major political issues from both sides (Kaye himself has stated he's not sure where he stands.) The terrorism of pro-lifers is portrayed in all its extremism - it's chilling to watch a doctor demonstrate his bulletproof vest then see pictures of him shot through the side slumped over the wheel of his truck, the vest hanging uselessly around his torso - but there's also the sense of loss in an extended sequence of a woman going in for a procedure. Coldly ambivalent yet strongly humanistic, what more could you want from a documentary? I'm curious to see Wrath of the Gods, an Overnight/Lost in La Mancha examining of the classic Canadian film Beowulf and Grendel.

Best re-release: Killer of Sheep and My Brother's Wedding
With the almost miraculous release of Charles Burnett's 1977 Killer of Sheep following last year's American debut of Melville's Army of Shadows, I'm starting to wonder how many more masterpieces they've got locked up in a trunk somewhere. When I talk about Sheep, I feel like I'm referring to something timeless: that of all the films ever made in America (and maybe even around the world) it deserves a top slot on a list of movies that should be regarded with the ageless classics of art, literature and music. But since I've talked it up and down over the last year, I'll stick to something brief about Brother's Wedding. While it's not in the same league as Sheep, it'll always have that second feature label of "lesser work," it's a great film just as worthy of discovery. You don't have to be a put upon 30-year-old dry cleaner living with your parents in the Ghetto to feel for Everett Silas' Pierce, a man ultimately torn between two ceremonies that stand for two very different sides of his life and represent the first real decision he's ever had to make. More story-oriented yet just as quietly observed as Sheep, it continues Burnett's theme of a man's responsibility to family while struggling to remain true to himself in an environment where survival's tough and fronts are important. Whereas Sheep is poetic, I think of Wedding as wise: its characters can't help but feel the constraints of who they are, where they come from, and there aren't any transcendent slow dances with a loved one for them. The honest ones lead their life and refuse to make fake appearances for those who've moved away from it in shame, something that's easy to do until an actual line is drawn and opportunity demands the right choice be made. Both films have great ideas and plenty of hilarious moments, character quirks like Stan defending his incoming by stating he gives to the Salvation Army and the little girl who makes herself up to try and impress Pierce in his mother's dry cleaners. Wow, these movies are great. Now can we please get a release of The Annihilation of Fish?? (I mean the title has another animal getting whacked, it must be just as good.)

Three movies I had the most guilt-free fun at in 2007:
The Bourne Ultimatum







Hot Fuzz












Spiderman 3

Worst movies I saw in 2007

1. Redacted
This is a year to dish out some tough love, and I'll start with De Palma. Bri, your "cutting edge" multi-media Blair Witch Project in Iraq is more embarrassing than Bonfire of the Vanities and Mission to Mars. It's more of a misfire than Wise Guys or Snake Eyes. And it's certainly nowhere near as competent as Casualties of War, your earlier story of American Soldiers Gone Bad, which you didn't seem to mind resetting in the Middle East, recasting with a local dinner theater troupe, and reshooting in the form of surveillance cameras, Arabic websites, a French documentary, soldier video diaries and video blogs, Youtube confessionals: jesus De Palma what were you thinking? I know you're mad about the war - a lot of us are - but this is the wrong way to go about criticizing it. Just on a basic level, slamming the soldiers is not going a long way towards getting at the heart of the Big Problem. I don't think anyone said they had an issue with American occupation in Iraq because two psychotic rednecks might join up and target civilians. You're slightly closer to the mark with the French documentary bit about the border patrols, but the whole thing's handled in such a hopelessly phoney fashion it's impossible to believe or care. And that's before we get to the actors sitting around improvising cheesy dialogue to make their characters seem ridiculously evil, cowardly or stupid. But the worst thing, and it breaks my heart knowing it's coming from a director so renowned for his camera work, is the incredibly dumb use of "live" footage slapped together to try and give it that "realness." The douchebag behind that video camera might not know why his ex-soldier buddy suddenly broke down crying in the middle of his birthday, but it's a good thing he holds that shot on him while he simpers and whines (good thing also that all US security cameras apparently have sound.) Of course the infamous internet beheading is reenacted (or reendactenacted?) however based on the actions of the soldiers you're meant to feel that their punishment fits the crime. How out of touch can you get? Watching Redacted feels like you're having an intelligent debate over something you really care about when suddenly some retarded jackass starts agreeing with you but backs it up with a completely pointless argument that has nothing to do with your own reasoning, kind of like that "South Park" where the boys want to stop Spielberg retooling Raiders but everyone else in the town wants to set a baby killer free. And when that jackass finally shuts up and leaves feeling all smug inside, you say to yourself Holy shit - didn't he direct Carrie? Wasn't he once on the ball? Why is he even interested in this? To be fair De Palma, you're obviously angry. However earlier when I praised Sidney Lumet for being angry, I should have added that a director shouldn't be so full of rage that it effects his ability to, well, direct. Rather than make me stand up and cheer I left the screening feeling embarrassed, like I wanted to go hide somewhere. And of course I felt sad, being a longtime apologist for you and your lopsided career, but I haven't given up hope Bri. In my heart at least, there'll be a big black bar on your filmography between The Black Dahlia and The Untouchables: Hannibal Rising (…I mean Capone Rising.)

2. Goya's Ghosts
It was a bad year for overblown, tedious, fictionalized soap opera biopics of interesting people: at least Gillian Armstrong's dull Death Defying Acts had Guy Pearce playing Harry Houdini. I thought Javier Bardem would be playing Francisco Goya, but instead it's… Stellan Skarsgard? Just when the casting couldn't make any less sense, here comes Randy Quaid! Bardem appears in the very familiar role of the lecherous, hypocritical priest during the Spanish Inquisition. He takes advantage of bony Natalie Portman and she gives birth to another Natalie Portman - an interesting take from this point would be to follow the decadency down through the various incarnations until it reached Queen Amidala (oh wait that takes place in the past, sorry scratch that.) Instead Milos Forman follows a predictable text (unfortunately co-written by Jean-Claude Carriere) in which the famous Cinco de Mayo artist is more a neutral observer than an actual participant, the inspiration for his art regulated to a quick montage of Napolean's invasion. Gotta get that out of the way to make room for the bungled melodrama. There's a scene after Goya has gone deaf (which is depicted by the sound cutting out and him saying "I'm deaf!") when he comes in yelling at Bardem, who has to patiently wait to speak while the painter turns around after every sentence to look at the guys signing for him. This goes on forever, and only a few scenes after it's finally over...it happens all over again! Forman usually leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but Goya's Ghosts is his first flat-out failure, a tepid late-career underachiever second only this year to Roland Joffe's Captivity. Portman, alternatively squealy and stuffy in her dual roles, is comical to look at once she's been turned into a hag with a snaggle tooth but otherwise as believable as a muse to the Old Masters as she is Anne Boleyn. However I bet that queen movie actually had something to do with its historical subject, so it's got that over Goya's Ghostsbusters.
.
3. Juno
Check out hip Ellen Page with her hoodie and striped knee socks, drinking Sunny D out of the carton while talking on her hamburger phone! She's much cooler than you: she scoffs at the sight of something lame like a couple with a framed photo of each other. It makes her grin out the side of her mouth and spew some kind of absurd mouth diarrhea like "pork swords!" and "honest to blog!" Honest to blog? I know they're supposed to be from Minnesota but I don't remember people in Fargo calling each other "homeskillet." I mean this shit might fly if it were purposely goofy like the cheerleader lingo in Bring It On, but sausage berries flipswitch who enjoys listening to people talk like that? Not to mention the lingo that's just planted into the alleged "teen speak." "Shenanigans?" Where did she come up with such a crazy word? And how come they left out "hoopla," "schmorgazboard" and "holy vaginal plug Jersey toll?" I'm well aware of the anti-Juno train: I hopped on the first time I saw a preview and requested an upgrade to sleeping car by the time Page and Michael Cera had finished crooning doe-eyed at each other. In fact I can't understand why everyone (besides ultrasound technicians) isn't horribly offended by this critical darling. Beyond its psuedo-coolness (Monster A Go-Go is not better than Suspiria!) and untouchable burrito blaster of a heroine, the movie is full of useless side characters like a creepy Jennifer Garner (slumping this year next to her husband's slam dunk), a virtually unused Michael Cera (he eats tic tacs! That's so, holy shit! It's crazy!) and poor JK Simmons as "poopy working class dad" who seems to have wandered in from Little Miss Sunshine. On the one hand the movie turns its hipster sneakers on conventional morals and values, yet like Jason Reitman's first feature Thank You for Smoking it wants to have its cake and eat it too (sorry, I'll Juno-ize that...it wants to toss its fanny pack yet have ample storage for fruit pies dillwiener!) It doesn't want to be overly pro-life so there's a hilarious foreign kid protesting at the clinic. It doesn't want Juno to seem like she cares enough to keep the kid, yet carefully sets up the premise so that her giving it up is a noble gesture. And so on and so on, lots of two-way screenwriting. I'd say Diablo Cody should go back to exotic dancing, but she's not very attractive. That's something for Roger Ebert to fantasize about as he helps this mularky (ooh, hip/anti-hip word!) ride the "indie" flavor of the month train to inevitable obscurity.

4. The Number 23
Waitaminute! This is the sixteenth movie I'm writing about! It's the seventh-to-last entry on my "worst" list: 16 and 7 is 23! Joel Schumacher made D.C. Cab in 1984: 2007 minus 1984 is 23! Co-star Danny Huston directed Mia Sara in The Maddening, which was released in 1999 on April 19: 4/19…23! The 1998 film 23, which hasn't been acknowledged anywhere by anyone in relation to this shitfest, was made in Germany: there are 11 letters in "Adolf Hitler," and 12 letters in "Fuhrerbunker," which equals 23! The number three comes right after the number two. 2..3…23! Anyway, Schumacher's Bug for Dummies gets a special mention for failing even to suck the way it was supposed to suck: it was fun mocking the preview, but the movie wasn't nearly as fun as it was very, very stupid, one of those movies that has math in it and therefore considers itself instantly smart. What I expected was to just watch Jim Carrey going ape shit over the number - pulling out his extra teeth until he has only 23, maybe murdering anyone aged 23 or stalking Michael Jordan because his jersey is cursed - but it's just some stupid revolving plot with twists and reveals that don't make any sense. How did this book know about a murder he committed? Oh he wrote it. And of course it's nowhere near the "heart-wrenching odyssey into paranoia" the unshowered and therefore serious Carrey promises in the trailer. Number movies in general didn't fare well last year (except 3:10 to Yuma) but Schumacher's incomprehensible mess is gayer than 300 and more ridiculous than 1401 (3x4=12, +11=23!) The only thing missing from the movie before it digresses into complete idiocy is a literal gigantic number 23 chasing Carrey down a flight of stairs or something, like in an animated sequence. Hopefully when it finally caught up to him, it would force him to take a bath.

5. Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium
That's right: it was such a good year, I actually had to go out and pay money specifically to see a bad movie! And I can't help feeling like got my money's worth: it was so good to see Charlie Kaufman-acolyte Zach Helm go from instant critical darling with Stranger Than Fiction to living joke by trying to rip off Roald Dahl, inventing a whimsical wonderland run by a fabtabulous foreman of his own. Dustin Hoffman plays the magical toymaker who wants to make the children happy while simultaneously stopping his military brother from manufacturing weapons in the factory and marketing them to the kiddies. One of the military guys is played by LL Cool J. Oh wait a minute...that's Barry Levinson's Toys. But this might as well be Toys, with Hoffman as a 240-year old magical toymaker who frolics around with a goofy lisp and whacked out hair trying to save his amazement outlet. This kind of thing is always a hopeless shambles: if you can't come up with a genuinely creative and exciting world, don't try to pass off some stupid effects camp fueled by actor's awed reactions and set a puffy-haired child molester loose in it. I don't know, maybe I'm being too hard on the movie, I'm sure Fred Claus was worse.

6. The Tracey Fragments
I guess I could have spent the last 2 hours of the Toronto Film Festival watching reality shows set in the porno industry (that eat that shit up in the Great White North), but I figured I came all the way to see some movies so I'll see one more, no matter what it is. Serves me right, but I've got no regrets. It would be, appropriately, a Canadian movie, one that uses split screen montage as empty as Lumet's tricks in Devil are successful. Ellen Page, here given the chance to misplay a persecuted teenager, rides around in the back of a bus looking totally bummed out man. Her parents just don't understand, and her shrink totally doesn't get her. But it's ok because, once again, she's much better than everybody else. She says things like "shut your cunt mouth cocksucker" instead of "cheese-banana shut yer frickin' gob" because she's playing edgy this time instead of hip/cutesy/retarded. Speaking of the dialogue, I've read that the script has been praised for its "shocking use of obscenities," but I can't imagine the movie came up with as many as I did after walking out of it. Broken Social Scene contributed to this disaster, squandering the good grace I afforded them after scoring Half Nelson.

7. Grindhouse: Death Proof
I've gone off enough about what is and isn't a proper "grindhouse" movie, how true exploitation films are defined by their featurelessness and obscurity, and that exploitation/cult films are made by audiences not studios. I like those movies too, doesn't mean I'm going to churn out some schlock called Video Nasty starring Josh Lucas and Sco-Jo costs $50 million and talk in interviews about how important those movies are to our culture, man. So instead let's focus on the product itself: without peer the most amateurish screenplay of 2007, endless scenes of girls yacking on about things no girl on earth is interested in (certainly not good looking girls) while very little else is actually going on. You've got to respect Tarantino's devotion to his favorite trash movies, his ode to all those tantalizing scenes in exploitation films past where characters barter over a used car for twenty minutes. That scene in the diner that felt like Kevin Smith directing the beginning of Reservoir Dogs made me literally scream aloud in the theater for it to be over (I was the only one there, shockingly.) Kurt Russell could have brought so much to Stuntman Mike, but as written the character isn't so much a horror heavy as an oafish bore. And that final "twist," after the underwhelming chase scene, where it turns into a Russ Meyer movie is such a "girl power!" sellout there's no way to take the whole project seriously for all its "shitty print CG" intentional scratches and glitches.

8. 14e arrondissement
Turns out Alexander Payne doesn't need two hours, or his partner in crime Jim Taylor, to perpetrate his particular brand of mean, unfunny satire of dumb American schlubs. He's perfectly capable of doing it in five minutes, as in his closing segment of the collectively "meh" collaboration Paris, Je T'aime. While other directors used the project to produce vignettes set in classy Parisian locales, Payne took the film's title at face value and produced a pointless short about a doofus falling in love with the City of Love during a lonely trip abroad. The evil white trash mom from Million Dollar Baby walks aimlessly around Paris like a catatonic walrus, all the while narrating her cleverly inane travelogue in bad French. Hilarious! I don't know why actors submit themselves to Payne's vapid, condescended-to characters, but I guess she at least got a nice free trip to Paris. Good for her. Also for those paying attention this is technically the third Natalie Portman movie to make it onto this year's "worst" list. Instead of complaining about being forced to do the nudity, she should kiss Wes Anderson and Jason Schwarzmann for being asked to appear in Hotel Chevalier. Don't worry, she's directing a segment for the Je T'aime follow-up New York I Love You, for which they managed to snag Fatih Akin...and Brett Ratner.)

9. The Brave One
If I wasn't aware that Neil Jordan was responsible for this (and I obviously was, or I never would've given it a thought) I wouldn't have any idea who made it. Or rather I would have assumed it was directed by Jodie Foster, as every movie she's starred in post-Silence of the Lambs has felt exactly the same: a feature-length jeans commercial obsessed with the tight features of its the middle-aged queen of vulnerable butch. After the weirdly unmotivated murder of her beau, she buys a gun and starts looking for criminals to cap in the heartless city. She even pulls a Bernard Goetz on the subway, but the novelty of Foster becoming Travis Bickle wears off fast and we're left with mopey Jodie spilling her wounded heart out to listeners from her bitter platform at a talk radio station while Terrance Howard leads around Nicky Katt, featured in a thankless role, as cops from a magical police department that has jurisdiction in all five boroughs. The ending of this shockingly pro-vigilantism fluff made me throw my hands up. The similar Death Wish-redux Death Sentence may have been over the top, but at least it was more honest, and did not include a scene of Kevin Bacon looking at the cello-playing ghost of his lover and saying "You left a hole in me…"

10. The Walker
The Walker
! My eyes twinkled when I first saw it listed in the TIFF schedule. Paul Schrader, humiliated after what was announced as his retirement film (the Exorcist prequel) was unceremoniously shelved and re-shot, has made a comeback! I speculated what it might be about: memories of Walking Tall and Alex Cox's Walker got me thinking about a man…yeah, a tough motherfucker walking down a street, perhaps with a shotgun at his side! Where's this walker going, and who's going to be seeing the business end of that fowling piece? Premature predictions of this being his first all-out masterpiece in 30 years swam through my head. Turns out, it's time for more tough love. The Walker is like Infamous except with Woody Harrelson in the Truman Capote role, and no story about massacre and redemption and literary responsibility. I mean look at the poster for this movie. This poster says, if you couldn't wait for the movie where a foppish Woody Harrelson plays bridge with old women, the wait is over! True there is a crime mystery plot, but it's strictly "Murder She Wrote." Schrader, up to five years ago, used to be intested in subjects that were interesting. Now it feels like he's just happy to still be in the game, though with material like this he's just barely staying above water. For some reason Kenneth Anger gets thanked in the credits, which I guess would count as the best part of the movie. Definitely Schrader's second worst move of the year, the first including Into the Wild among his top films of 2007. Oh Schrader not Wild, anything but Wild!

Special recognition for sucky-ness: Rob Zombie's Halloween
It was such a surprisingly remarkable year for western remakes, it actually feels good to get back to being deeply offended by typically bad horror retoolings. Almost. While this one wasn't as offensive as Michael Bay's raping of 'Saw, it's almost a more superlative travesty considering what a fan of John Carpenter Zombie claims to be. But even moreso for its grotesquely overwritten characters, blood-splatteringly bad dialogue and gut-rending ignorance of simple logic (why is Loomis still the only one going after Michael Myers, portrayed in Zombie's movie as an infamous butcher who killed seven people to escape a high-security mental institution? It made more sense when he could just miraculously drive out of there. It would have been a nice touch if they had at least kicked in the line: "What makes you think he's going to slaughter lots of people?" "He was doing very well last night!") The appeal of the original Shape is that he's just that: an abstraction, a faceless demon that came out of nowhere to kill and kill again. The original portrayed "the night he came home," but Zombie's film feels the need to take us all back for a very special episode of "The Wonder Years" in which little Mikey wears KISS T-shirts and tortures tiny woodland creatures while "Love Hurts" plays. What Zombie has done is taken the scene in the Bay's 'Saw remake where Leatherface sees the chainsaw in the slaughterhouse for the first time and made it an hour long. It's shocking that little Mike doesn't sit down at a piano and casually start figuring out the keys of the "Halloween" theme. Whereas things like the Hitcher remake are clearly a case of recycling movies Hollywood assumes everyone's forgotten, this is a case of the director raising a flag, declaring "And now I, Rob Zombie, shall make my bold mark on Halloween! Forget everything you know about Halloween, this is Halloween!" I'm not too broken up about it: I like the original, but it's probably not even in my top five Carpenters. Just stay away from Big Trouble, Hollywood and Rob Zombie!

You know what is worthwhile about this wasted effort? The outtakes. "This canary has been raped!"

And of course there's The Devil's Chair. If you ever see an ad asking "Would you like to SIT...in The Devil's Chair?" Well I would advise against it.

What's the Big Deal? (films people treated like the second coming, though it was more like a monkey coming)

1. Juno













2. Knocked Up
Of the four pregnancy films this year, I liked Waitress best, Juno least, and was most disappointed with Knocked Up (as a Palme d'or winner, 4 Months 3 Weeks and 2 Days already had "overrated" stamped on it in the form of that telling little leaf.) After all this is Judd Apatow's follow-up to The 40 Year Old Virgin, which turned out to be a charming love story filled - pregnant, you could say - with lots of good jokes. Knocked Up had a great Munich jab and good appearances by Harold Ramis, Kristin Wiig and Alan Tudyk to save it from the "suck" pile, but it was wrongheaded and unfunny enough to turn me from Apatow enthusiast to wary follower. For one thing Judd, hire an editor: two hour comedies are not going to cut it (no pun intended, though I'll probably reuse that "accidental" wording when I get to Sweeney Todd) every time, especially when 80% of the jokes are improvised by guys sitting around bullshitting. Granted, Jason Segel and some of those other dudes are usually enjoyable to listen to but that's what deleted scenes are for. At least get rid of the damn Seacrest cameo. Still in this movie that kind of thing is a relief from the unbelievable premise that a young, attractive LA career gal would ever force herself into a relationship with a hideous loser from a drunken one night stand just because she got pregnant. Apatow sets it up like this is the responsible plan, that bringing two strangers who aren't right for each other together is a good scenario for raising a kid (it's not! Listen to the "Growning Pains" mom, she knows what she's talking about!) It's ludacrious, but it fits in with the movie's lazy characterizations which border on misogynistic: even Katherine Heigl admitted the lead females are portrayed alternatively bitchy, demanding, castrating, whiny and pathetic (to paraphrase.) And Seth Rogen's Canadian slacker is completely unlikable, especially in two of the film's three "revelation" scenes in which someone gets in another character's face shouting "the truth" at them, and that person walks away miraculously changed by it. Guess what Rogen, Paul Rudd's character is not a shitty father (why didn't Rudd punch him out?) and Leslie Mann has every right to be in the delivery room during the birth. She's Heigl's lamasse partner! The botched attempt at getting you on Rogen's side and making you care about the harpy women's self-centered behavior seems to have been misconstrued as good story-telling by the same people who stand by all the google gags and Seacrest cameos and other failed attempts at humor. For example people swear by the Vegas scene. Yeah I love Paul Rudd - that scene sucks, it's not funny. Rogen being in the movie makes me think of the "Freaks and Geeks" episode where his character falls for the hermaphroditic tuba player - so much more honest and interesting a love story, and it was a fucking TV show. Knocked Up was a big let down, and based on this and Superbad, which is much better but still wasn't quite what I hoped for (please stop saying "McLovin," movie), the Apatow crew had better come up with something less utterly implausible and with more actual jokes. Segel, don't let us down with Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

3. There Will Be Blood
I expect the most flack to come from this entry, but let me ask this film's overwhelming fanbase: really? This is the movie that should be considered universally exceptional, unquestionably flawless? PT Anderson "pictures" look great, sound great, if movies had an odor they'd probably smell great, but what's it all add up to? Once upon a time there was a guy named Daniel Plainview who sounded like John Huston. He was greedy and manipulative and pretty much remained that way from cradle to grave so far as we know. And he was pestered by a young evangelist who acted like Gene Wilder in Young Frankenstein who you pray will someday get bludgeoned to death by a bowling pin. But so what? A rich oil tycoon's kind of a jerk, huh? PTA's a Big Idea filmmaker, but in everything he's done besides Punch Drunk Love there aren't enough moments. In Blood, when they do appear they're usually flagrantly over the top, and I genuinely can't tell when Anderson is being serious and when he's having us on. There's that final scene, which I almost don't want to touch upon it’s become so universally parodied, but have to mention since Daniel Day-Lewis and Paul Dano indulge in the worst case of ham-fisted tug-of-war since the time Rod Steiger accused his mirror reflection of eating all his cupcakes (that probably happened at least once in his life.) And I've liked Day-Lewis in the past: his grand excess served him well in Last of the Mohicans and The Crucible, he was even enjoyable to watch when he played Snidley Whiplash in Gangs of New York, but here it's out of control. And I've read no mention of Kevin J O'Connor's sad, subtle performance in any of the glowing reviews praising the two leads - is it because he was in the Mummy movies? Don't get me wrong, Blood is far from terrible - miles above Magnolia - but nobody's reinventing cinema here. Even the few who have complained about it focus on the wrong things, "the movie's too long and Day-Lewis is mean." It's a case of overwhelming work from a film crew on an underwhelming movie, one with very little to say. But I like talking to people about it and would love to be convinced, so lovers of the movie let me know what I'm missing.

4. Zodiac
It's hard to say why I'm not on the Zodiac bandwagon. I'm a longtime follower of the actual case, a fan of several of the supporting actors, and very much into David Fincher's obsession with the stacks of paperwork, mountains of boxes and number of phone calls to various jurisdictions required to compile a single police investigation. But at the risk of offending Kent Jones and other Fincher zealots, it's got a lot of problems. Not the least of which is one champions of the film are quick to identify and footnote: the dweeby, unlikable performance of Jake Gyllenhaal as cartoonist-turned-Zodiac stalker Robert Graysmith. I care as much about Graysmith's marital problems as I do Ryan Seacrest cameos and that stuff is total dead weight, thrown in to get Chloe Sevigny from turning the movie into a sausagefest (I kept thinking "Why does her character exist? Does she turn out to be the Zodiac?") Besides those problems, which pretty much eat up the second half of the movie, I just wasn't hugely impressed by most of the stuff lots of people seemed to love about the film: the soundtrack, the period haircuts, the silly suspense scene in the basement of the guy's house. I liked the murder sequences best because of their portentous tranquility and the use of different actors to play the killer, especially the attacks at Lake Berryessa, but those scenes made everything happening at the Chronicle and police department less interesting to watch. Then of course there's the problem the film shares with its source material, the condemning of Arthur Lee Allen as the de facto suspect (they leave out that several witnesses described the killer as having a crew cut, which doesn't fit the physical profile as Allen was bald...or that Allen passed a 10 hour polygraph test...or that his blood failed modern DNA tests...or that the key witness' son had been molested by Allen.) Still I think this is a good movie, definitely Fincher's best, a huge leap after Panic Room, and retroactively deserves the first Oscar they give out for digital photography, I just thought it was a little overrated. That's all.

5. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Considering it's a musical about slashing throats, this movie's surprisingly bloodless (sorry about that.) Burton knows all the right technical people to hire, but doesn't seem to be able to communicate visual ideas beyond his go-to pancake makeup and dark architecture. The best scene in the film, a montage of awesome art direction and Oscar-winning production design set to Helena Bodham-Carter singing the boppy jingle "By the Sea," works against the rest of the film as a stand-alone example of what could have been. Depp's an interesting actor but he's got limited range (not to mention vocal range), and this role is beyond him. Things that should have been fun - Sacha Baron Cohen as a rival barber, the darkly comedic duet "A Little Priest" - fall absolutely flat. And Sondheim's music, though I like it, really doesn't translate well to film: most of it's too busy and offsets the tone. Only Alan Rickman, as a high ranking pervert, comes off as particularly exceptional although to be fair he's pretty dynamite, his singing voice is great to listen to (and I like Timothy Spall in true character actor form as his beadle.)

6. La Vie en Rose
The official entry in this year's faceless foreign release comes from France, who served America an Edith Piaf biopic as generic as it is indistinguishable from your standard Ray/Walk the Line/Tip Toe Through the Tulips: The Tiny Tim Story tortured musician melodrama. Following her life from rejected whore-raised cherub to fish-mouth chanteuse, the movie coasts on Amelie-style charm until it has to get down to business and show why this person deserves scrutinizing in an overblown biography. Yet by the end, what have we learned about Piaf? She's any combination of loud, shaky and obnoxious. But apparently that's why we're supposed to love her. Marion Cotillard does display a good penchant for chameleon-like transformation from 20 to 40 to 60 and while I'm glad she beat out Ellen Page for the Oscar, it's really more an achievement in makeup (which, to be fair, also won an Oscar.) The film's a checklist of scenes you can pretty much write yourself before the credits are over with the occasional timeline shake-up to make it seem like a masterstroke of structure, but it's just following the numbers.

7. American Gangster
The true story couldn't be more interesting or rife for adaptation. The characters so conflicted, the environment so heated and deadly. I speak of course of 2001's Black Hawk Dawn, another real life adaptation Ridley Scott managed to overcook and thoroughly gut of relevance. Technically this movie split audiences, but the people who liked it loved it and praised it to the hills. Everything's a miscalculation, from Josh Brolin's soulless corrupt cop (who literally indulges in the "kick the dog" method of audience identification) to Cuba Gooding Jr's flashy pimped-out dealer, the latter of whom is barely part of the story. Coming long after various films inspired by Frank Lucas' MO - New Jack City, Blow - it seems cliché, and is overstuffed with useless subplots (more marital problems!) that seem to exist solely to make the film longer (re: more epic) rather than create a tight, enjoyable crime drama. The lead actors are fine (especially Denzel, natch) but after the fifth scene of Lucas going crazy on a brother we get it, he's dangerous but charming and unpredictable and a brilliant drug czar yadda yadda.

8. Into the Wild
"I'm canceling Christmas!" - William Hurt

Sean Penn as a filmmaker is a hard to get. He's definitely talented in coming up with weird and interesting visuals: I think immediately of the scene in the barn in The Pledge, and this movie's got its share (the guy shaving in the middle of a watered field, the 3-wheeler hauling a christmas tree in the trailer park.) But I don't think he's much of a storyteller, and I'm not just saying that because he tricked me into seeing a Vince Vaughn movie. He fails to offer one good reason to care about Emile Hirsch's arrogant anus of a self-righteous windbag, and while the final consensus seems to be "yeah well he didn't really have it all figured out after all did he?" Penn still reveres the character's self-dependence and "simple beauty" (funny coming from a guy who refused to attend the Thin Red Line premiere unless they sent him a private jet.) I think what the film really needed was yet another shot of Hirsch spreading his arms triumphantly from the top of a hill/rock/plateau while Eddie Vedder warbles along sanctimoniously. That "homeless in LA" sequence, holy god that was ridiculous, and why weren't the riots happening as he panhandled his way about town? He could have been killed in the riots and saved us an hour of movie viewing drudgery. At least with someone like Timothy Treadwell you kind of understood his deluded self-image, but if this real life guy was anything like the way he's portrayed here, he was just a douchebag. Like a picaresque only with no interesting characters - all hippies and sentimental oldsters - and a philosophizin', Jack London-worshipping retard of a hero, Wild never manages to be more than a Discovery Channel travelogue, the only suspense involved is wondering when the would-be survivalist will finally get eaten by a squirrel or something.

9. This is England
I am not on the Shane Meadows train for the simple reason that his films feel like Alan Clarke Lite. Clarke's Made in Britain is still the only effective portrait of skinheads, and although This is England is better than Romper Stomper, American History X and The Believer, it doesn't really have anywhere to go once its young protagonist joins up with the National Front and follows the inevitable road to tragic conclusion, which I think the movie actually would have been more interesting without. It is interesting to see how something like the Falkland Island invasion, which we Americans pretty much take for granted, effected the youth of England and was used as propaganda for recruiting neo-Nazis, how to others being a skinhead is more of a punk/fashion statement than a political stance, and the film is an interesting companion piece to Son of Rambow where instead of becoming white supremists the outsider English kids remake First Blood. But Meadows is still too slick a filmmaker to achieve the gritty realism he's interested in. I know it's meant to be tongue-in-cheek (since they're skinheads and all) but aren't slow motion shots of a group strutting passively forward kinda long over?
.
10. No Country for Old Men
You didn't think you'd get off that easy, did you Coen Brothers? That Blood Simple comparison swings both ways. Simple is a movie that feels perfect, but not like it's trying to be perfect. The further along their career the Coens move, the more their technical neurotisim threatens to numb their once energetic, more experimental style in both shooting and writing. I'd trade any line of Country's finely-tuned, emotionally cold dialogue for one line that felt nearly as effective as when M Emmet Walsh asks Dan Hedaya's corpse "Who looks stupid now?" This obsession with perfect shots and camera movements and calculated speech leaves the people populating their painstakingly constructed world in the dust. Do they care about them? Should we? Unlike Before the Devil Knows You're Dead, No Country feels so nihilistic that character fates are practically weightless (these guys are close to starting a band named Autobahn.) Clearly the approach has huge merits - the film's inclusion on my own top list is clear indication of that - but it isolates the audience and makes them second guess the honesty of the filmmaking. Then you've got the mischievous brothers' seemingly uncontrollable need to throw in their cute little comedy: the Norteño band, the fat landlady, and most distractingly the casually racist mother played by Beth Grant. At least there weren't any Polka King posters behind any of the hotel room doors. After I saw the movie a second time I was able to let some of these nagging concerns go, but I'm still worried that the Coens blew their load (see above photo), got everyone trailing obediently after their droppings, and will probably go back to the kind of indulgent crap they churned out between Lebowski and this with next year's Burn After Reading.

No Thanks (films that may have been good, may have been bad, but overwhelming evidence led me to believe that weren't worth the time)

1. Southland Tales
Ah, who am I kidding? I can't wait to rent Richard Kelly's trainwreck of a sophomore film and throw it on the minute netflix delivers it to my door. It's sort of like keeping a picture of the hideously ugly girl the dumb football jock everybody loved and you hated in high school ended up marrying secretly in your desk, sneaking peaks at it time and again. And I have to admit I'm curious to see how Miranda Richardson and Wallace Shawn mix in with John Laroquette, half the cast of "Saturday Night Live" and "MAD TV," and Zelda Rubinstein (who's probably already claiming Spielberg directed the whole movie.) While it's now become fashionable to declare it underrated, misunderstood - an unappreciated pop literary masterpiece - a majority, for once, seem to see it as the indulgent piece of pseudo-political, self-important garbage it obviously is. Then again there are those who saw Donnie Darko exactly the same way, or at least are starting to. To hear him tell it, Kelly is the second coming of Andy Warhol, Philip K Dick, Nikola Tesla, Kurt Vonnegut, David Lynch, Raymond Chandler, Karl Marx and God - this from a guy who spent a million dollars on a student movie called Visceral Matter. Here's the man himself:

Update: I've now seen Southland Tales and it turns out I had it all wrong. The movie has Christopher Lambert riding around in an ice cream truck full of weapons, including a bazooka. And yet he never does anything with it. Lambert and the bazooka are completely wasted (I mean misused in the movie, although Lambert does look like he just stumbled out of a trailer tripping over some empty whiskey bottles.) How can a movie with the equation Lambert + rocket launcher not be awesome? But seriously it sucks. The only thing I can recommend is that now famous JT/Killers sequence, which is utterly ridiculous within the film but works really well out of context (or maybe not...it's out of context in the film too.) Anyway, allow me to save everyone 2 and a half excruciating hours with this clip, all you need to see of Richard Kelly's Southland Tales.
2. Youth Without Youth
Coppola has said his first official film in ten years (I'm not including his alleged work on Walter Hill/Thomas Lee's Supernova) was his attempt to shoot a movie like he was in his 20's again. Yet when he was in his 20s, he made Finian's Rainbow. What he needs to do is make a movie like he was in his 30's again: where's another Conversation? Another Apocalypse Now? Magic has never really been Coppola's forte (probably why he was never able to raise money for Pinocchio), and some metaphysical drama about the fountain of youth hardly sounds the comeback for such a formerly inspiring director. Apparently this attempt at a comeback is so bad, the theft of a van of equipment during the shoot was considered a blessing in disguise. And we all know what happened last time Tim Roth was in a movie featuring Nazis made by a respectable director (though personally I like Invincible...not that Herzog is himself invincible, see #4.) The universally negative reviews - including a Newsweek profile of Coppola that ends by slamming the movie - definitely don’t help. Next year's Tetro with Javier Bardem sounds more promising, but will it be Coppola's No Country for Old Men, or his Goya's Ghosts? Based on the way this looks, probably the latter.

3. The Simpsons Movie
If you find Spider-Pig funny, you are a current "Simpsons" fan. If not, you're a seasoned former fan who still quotes actual jokes from the high water mark of the third to ninth seasons before the show became gross, insane and overall completely unfunny. I'm one of the former, yet flirted with the idea of giving the movie a shot in the romantic hope that return of respected writer John Swartzwelder might lend it some "golden years" quality. Then I saw the spots with the Spider-Pig and my resolve was absolute: I wouldn't touch this movie with a 10-foot clown pole. Over the years the show has turned into a broad, scatological satire of American society with a horrible glossy animation, useless celebrity cameos (although I admit it's genius that they got Thomas Pynchon) and a voice cast who have become either greedy or a Scientologist. Not that any of that would matter if the jokes were good, but every multi-plot is some ridiculous scenario - Homer has a crayon in his brain, Marge gets breast implants or bulks up like a bodybuilder, or the Simpsons go down to Florida and kill a famous alligator and have to become fugitives with a very special appearance by Kid Rock and what the hell Brittney Spears. Come on "Simpsons," isn't that what "Family Guy" is for? As for the movie, "Simpsons" may have been the template but "South Park" made it to the big screen first - ten years ago - and managed to create a brilliant movie, one that had new ideas, not just "Crazy Cat Lady" in her 80th appearance since the original inspired gag. People whose opinion I trust have told me to take a pill and see the movie, but after another misguided viewing of a recent episode it's just not gonna happen dude. Ok enough moaning. Maybe I'll be like Bart and finally see this movie in 30 years after I've become chief justice of the Supreme Court, but for now don't depress me by bringing it up.

4. Rescue Dawn
I want to see an epic, studio-financed Werner Herzog war drama about as much as I'd be interested in an obsessive documentary about auctioneers by Tony Scott. Herzog is one filmmaker who doesn't need a ticket to the states, so it's hard to say why he felt the need to go the same route as George Sluizer, Ole Bornedal and Takashi Shimizu by taking one of his great films, changing it into a straight narrative, and replacing the actual guy with a Hollywood hot shot. The director has praised Christian Bale through the roof, but has there ever been a performer whose "emotional journey" feels less genuine when stacked against the tortured mental state of Bruno S or the spitfire fury of Klaus Kinski? Herzog has clearly integrated himself into the LA scene, collaborating with Zack Penn and saving Joaquin Phoenix's life (why??) But tooling around Sun Valley could not be further grounded from the physical and spiritual heights of the South American hills. Not to mention that he's made a war/escape movie, recent examples of which (Hart's War, The Great Raid) have fallen short. As long as he's still churning out personal "erratic truths" at the prolific rate he's currently managing I won't really mind the occasional conservative retooling (up next: Vin Diesel braving the treacherous apex of Gasherbrum I and II as Reinhold Messner - will he make it??) Just don't ask me to sit through them. When faced with the decision to see Rescue Dawn (or The Simpsons Movie) I ended up choosing Transformers. If that's not a picture of stubborn abstinence I don't know what is.

5. In the Valley of Elah
Tommy Lee Jones was so good in No Country for Old Men I almost wavered and saw Paul Haggis' follow-up to Crash 2005. Then I remembered - it's PAUL HAGGIS' FOLLOW-UP TO CRASH 2005. Not only that, but it's Paul Haggis' foray into the heavy-handed world of "relevant" dramas addressing Middle Eastern politics, a bleak world that's failed to drum up much business at the box office or general interest beyond mild curiosity. And while Rendition and Lions for Lambs (Jesus was that really the title of that movie?) are easily dismissible, effort should definitely be mustered to miss one from the creator of "Walker Texas Ranger," especially if De Palma couldn't pull it off. If the best that can be expected is a reworking of Uncommon Valor and Hardcore (that's right Schrader I'll still stand by your classics even after The Walker) with reflective dialogue slung back and forth between Jones and Charlize Theron, I'll gladly pass.

6. Across the Universe
The curse of Moulin Rouge continues. Just as Zach Helm thought audiences might be asking "When's the new Toys due?" Julie Taymor was apparently under the impression that people were dying to see an update of the Bee Gees' Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Except not with Peter Frampton and the Bee Gees but with Gap ad actors, playing characters named Jude, Lucy, Eleanor Rigby, Birthday, Piggy, Twist, Shout and the oddly-named Ivana Holdgerand. In a way this idea is clearly more offensive than John Turturro's Romance and Cigarettes, a blue collar Rouge dud from my 2005 "worst" list I almost included again since it inexplicably got a theatrical release this year. At least that movie had a sense of humor about itself and wasn't trying to force its old musical numbers on issues like war man, and what a bummer it is. Universe seems fueled by hippie juice, which I guess is perfectly marketable to folks who are into seeing The Lion King while stoned on Broadway and then writing a glowing review of it by the light of their lava lamp. And you've got to give Taymor credit for somehow out-gaying Cirque de Soleil when it came to using Beatles songs.

7. Lust/Caution
I'm not sure how this movie is related to Crazy/Beautiful (or Face/Off or Nip/Tuck), but I do know that Ang Lee's genre-hopping has never scored him a winner in my book: I think The Ice Storm is overrated, Crouching Tiger is gay, and Brokeback Mountain was not as gay and should have been. But while I can easily ignore it if Lee wants to try his hand at American Civil War melodramas or metaphysical comic book action movies, I do have a problem with him moving in on Wong Kar-Wai's territory. Although I don't know how close Lust Slash Caution actually is to one of his romantic period pieces, the marketing campaign makes me think it's a Wong film every time (and not just because it stars Tony Leung, but that doesn't help.) Ang, when are you going to find your own voice? Aren't you tired of being the substitute teacher of world cinema? "We can't get Yuen Woo-Ping to direct this kung fu epic." "Hm - call Ang Lee." "Seems neither Merchant nor Ivory are interested in this particular Jane Austen adaptation." "Hm...who directed that cannibal movie about eating men and women, drinking their blood?" "Must be this guy Ang Lee, I'll see if he's home." "I need someone to helm this gay cowboy movie. Maybe the director of The Wedding Singer, that was pretty gay. What was his name?" "Ang Lee." "I think that was technically called The Wedding Banquet but what the hell close enough, nobody cares about gay cowboys anyway." His next film? A romantic comedy! Oh well at least if it's bad they can always have Louis Leterrier remake it.

8. Syndromes and a Century
I know, everyone says I gotta see it. But if those are the same people who loved Blissfully Yours and Tropical Malady, I've gotta fess up to not being entranced by either of those two movies. Apichatpong Weerasethakulexpeealadoshus is undeniably talented but frankly I don't get it. I thought my cultural appreciation of achingly-paced, beautifully shot Asian cinema had reached its required viewing limit with Tsai Ming-liang, but here's some more homework you bastards expect me to do. And to be honest I'm on the fence with Tsai: I was iffy on his I Don't Want to Sleep Alone, like Syndromes made for Peter Sellars' New Crowned Hope Festival in Vienna to commemorate Mozart's 250th birthday (no idea why the guy from Pink Panther would be interested in Mozart.) All these abstract concepts and weird locations, but I don't feel much connection to anything AW shoots no matter how far out he's willing to go. And anyway how weird and abstract could it possibly be if the guy from Newsweek is gushing over it? Also this has been described as a "science fiction comedy," which instantly brings to mind Southland Tales (not that it could possibly be that bad.) I will eventually break down and see Syndromes because ultimately I do want to stay open to all these crazy Thai films, but probably only after it languishes at #341 on my netflix queue for several months.

9. Lady Chatterley
I like my Lady Chatterley at 305 am on Cinemax 2* sandwiched between two Emmanuelle movies with a subtitle that includes the word "lover" or "passion of" or "the erotic adventures of" starring some 70s softcore diva like Sylvia Kristel or Harlee McBride. Undoubtedly that's what DH Lawrence had in mind, not this kind of hoity toity arty farty adaptation. I realize that's how many people would like to see Lawrence represented on screen, but how can you take a concept like "the gallant groundskeeper and the naughty noblewoman," the "sensual and erotic journey of sexual awakening" seriously? And the ones on cable were never three hours long (unless you watched 5 or 6 of them back-to-back.) To be fair, the most famous previous version was marketed using the same classy, highly-distinguished gloss, but the director of that movie was named Just Jackin. So I think we all know what he was up to. The point is, you should probably just leave Lawrence alone unless you're Ken Russell, and considering where his career is now he might not want to dabble in it either.
* I believe it's called MoreMax now, but I haven't watched it since the early-to-mid 90s
.
10. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr, mateys! Arrrrrrrrr! Sigh.